The Rambling Preamble (The Pre-Ramble?)
As you might recall from a previous post, this Thursday marks one year since I told my best friend it was a no-go on the peen, panicked, swept my computer off my desk, and ran away screaming with my arms flailing wildly about. (This may be a slight exaggeration.)
I had planned to post this then, but the magical procrastination goblins that usually hang about took the weekend off and I finished early. And so in celebration, I’d like to start your week off with something very dear to me. Something that can be used not only for big occasions like awkwardly coming out to a trusted friend, but any day of the week: Margarita Mondays, Boozeday Tuesdays, Wasted Wednesdays, Thirsty Thursdays, Fucked Up Fridays, Sloshed Saturdays, and finally Spirit Sundays (and I don’t mean the Holy Spirit… wink wink, nudge nudge).
I’m talking, of course, about my Xena Drinking Game. Honestly, there could not be a better show to create a drinking game around than Xena: Warrior Princess. This was a show that was completely aware of just how ridiculous and terrible it was and just went for it with total abandon and a big goofy grin. It was camp and low budget and had zero fucks to give in the most positive way.
Watch some behind the scenes videos on Youtube and you’ll see how proud the people who made this show were of their whacky creation… and that’s probably why at one point it was the most watched show in the world. It’s dumb, earnest fun. The only way to improve it? Alcohol!
(Disclaimer: alcohol is not ever necessary for fun. Regan Reyzja and Subtitled are in no way responsible for any alcohol poisoning, property damage, injuries from improvised chakrams, and/or emotional damage from drunkenly cutting straight-across ‘90s bangs that may result from participating in this game.)
And so without further ado, I present: Xena – The Drinking Game (<–click here for printable version so you can follow along!)
The Power, the Passion, the Danger… the Many Rules
Now, since I’m me, I couldn’t create a straightforward “drink whenever this happens” sort of game. No, no. Everything I do must be needlessly complicated and overly long. (Ironically, I’m very quiet in real life. Some might say unsettlingly quiet…) So open up your handy dandy PDF from the link above and let me walk you through it.
Step 1: Choose either Team Xena or Team Gabrielle. This will determine which side of the Individual Drinks chart you’ll follow.
It doesn’t really matter which you choose, either way you’re getting sloshed, but it’s good to have a mix of people on either side so you can point and yell “J’ACCUSE!”… I mean, “DRINK!” Speaking of shouting, Xena and Gabrielle yell each other’s names A LOT. Like, just so much. Which is what that first line in the chart is all about (that was a damn good segue, eh?) So Team Xena, you drink when she hollers “Gabrielle!” and Team Gabrielle the same applies when our scrappy sidekick screams “Xena!”
The rest are fairly straight-forward. Any time they lose their respective weapons. Any time Xena does her crazy ninja gymnastics or Gabrielle is kidnapped or in grave danger. Any time Xena breathes fire or Gabrielle drones on about her scrolls. Also, can I say, the very fact that I have to differentiate between real fire and CGI fire proves I will never be even half as cool as Lucy Lawless. She actually breathed fucking fire! For real! Presumably for multiple takes!
And last but not least, finish your drink if your lady dies. Which happens a fair number of times to both of them. You know how it is with death.
Step 2: General Drinks! These are for both Team Xena and Team Gabrielle, and they’re fairly self-explanatory. Any time the chakram goes flying or Xena does her signature war cry or puts the pinch on someone or there’s terrible CGI or a sidekick (usually Gabrielle or Joxer) fucks everything up… take a drink. Whenever Xena’s past comes back to bite her in the ass, take a drink. Any time someone makes a speech about love or there’s “subtext” (aka “Xena and Gabrielle are totally lesbianin’ together but we’re not going to come out and say it”), take a drink. Any time a resolution is reached by hugging it out, take a drink.
Step 3: Dice Roll! Did I tell you you’ll need dice? You’ll need dice.
Sometimes platonic lady friends casually take baths together. When this happens or when someone is naked for another perfectly legitimate reason, you each roll a die and drink whatever number it lands on. Similarly, sometimes Gabrielle will just completely lose it and go off the deep end, either in a fit of anger or crazy or occasionally demonic possession. (Tuesdays, am I right?) Roll that die and make a toast to her total meltdown!
Step 4: By the gods, the humanity! I mean… Drink Multipliers! This is the fucking lightning round, my friends; any time one of these takes effect you should immediately imagine the lights dimming and strobe lights going off every which way. In fact, you should probably go ahead and buy dimmer switches and professional stage lighting before you start. I’ll wait here.
A Warlord Did It – There are a lot of warlords wandering about the Xena-verse. Should you discover that one of them is the architect behind the nefarious scheme of the week, you will now drink double on your individual drinks.
Arch Nemesis – Xena has pissed off an impressive number of unstable sociopaths in her time, chief among them: Callisto, Caesar, and Alti. Should they turn out to be the villain in your episode, double up on the general drinks.
Olympians Among Us – Deus ex machina? More like “Drinkus est maxima”! (Yes, I’m aware that adjective doesn’t match its fake subject) Whenever Ares shows up, Team Xena goes twofold on their individual drinks. Ditto for Team Gabrielle if Aphrodite turns up.
Evil Xena – Gods help you if Evil Xena Mode is activated. If our intrepid warrior princess takes a turn for the insanely villainous and goes all murder-y, EVERYTHING IS DOUBLED! EVERYTHING!
So what happens if Callisto were to team up with Ares, Aphrodite, and a bunch of warlords to turn Xena evil? Well… you’d probably be passed out on the floor by the time they got to that shameless shot of Lucy Lawless’s rack in the opening credits. But I’m pretty sure that never happens. At least not more than once. So don’t panic. You’ll see that cleavage yet.
Your Courage Will Change the World…Into A Far Drunker Place
There you have it. The Xena Drinking Game. Soon to be a party favourite. A deadly, deadly party favourite. And you saw it here first! So spread the word and remember, if in doubt…
Oh, one last unwritten rule: should a heavily pregnant Xena start rapping… just shut it down. That’s too much to handle with that amount of alcohol in you. You will start to giggle uncontrollably and be unable to stop. Breathing will become an issue. Shut. It. Down.